Are you a SAVED, SATISFIED, SASSY Single Woman? I believe I am, which is why I always like to share something encouraging for all the “Single Ladies” (and men) during Valentine season. You see, holiness (living set apart) is NOT DEAD and it doesn’t have to be boring either. If you think it is, then consider, you may need to reevaluate your social influences!
So, this time I decided I’m going to be very transparent for the sake of providing a clear guide that will support those who still believe in a biblical approach to love and romance before marriage. Dating is not something I do much of, but when I do, I have a clear understanding of what I’m investing in. Is my plan perfect? Probably not. Is there a guarantee you will find your soulmate? Humm, hard to say, but I believe for the avid dating types, it will guard you against danger, reckless heartbreak, and regret. What I can tell you for sure is that this is MY PLAN and it’s working for me.
Introduction:
When a man and woman decide they want to get to know each other better they are in essence giving each other an invitation to LOVE. In my peacemaking book, Skills for Life, there are three principles I signatured on the topic of love that I value greatly, they are;
“Love is living God’s way…SKILLFULLY”
“Skill is the missing link between godly principles and practice.”
“Love does not command people to be perfect. It commands people to address each situation with the perfectness of LOVE”
When it comes to Love & Romance for singles, I believe the Bible is very clear about its standard.
1 Corin. 6:18-20
Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.
1 Corin. 7:2
But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.
Heb. 13:4
Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.
It is apparent, our present social culture no longer believes in the value of these biblical principles and it appears that the sentiments are equally shared among many Christian believers as well.
I believe the reason for this is because many can attest that it seems like there are as many divorced Christian couples as there are divorce non-believing couples. Although, here are the facts.
***Professor Bradley Wright, a sociologist at the University of Connecticut, explains from his analysis of people who identify as Christians but rarely attend church, that 60 percent of these have been divorced. Of those who attend church regularly, 38 percent have been divorced.1 © 2011 Focus on the Family.
Other data from additional sociologists of family and religion suggest a significant marital stability divide between those who take their faith seriously and those who do not. Bradford Wilcox, a leading sociologist at the University of Virginia and director of the National Marriage Project, finds from his own analysis that “active conservative Protestants” who regularly attend church have are 35 percent less likely to divorce compared to those who have no affiliation. Nominally attending conservative Protestants are 20 percent more likely to divorce, compared to secular Americans.2 © 2011 Focus on the Family
In addition, it seems reasonable to presume that both you and I may know some secular marriages that appear equally as healthy and happy as some Christian ones, so what then is the purpose for a biblical standard in dating relationships? The answer, I believe, is in the quest for finding “True Love.” God’s ways are a mystery (1 John 4:8, Eph. 1:9) and it is only found when we align our lives with His word. The awareness of righteousness is inherently within every human being but the power to walk in it is another thing altogether. That is why there are some people who find true love and may not know God and yet there are others who claim to know God and still have not surrendered to His way. This is because you must be TRANSFORMED by the renewing of your mind (Rom. 12:2). The greater revelation here is that God’s principles for living are available for ANYONE to embrace but salvation and relationship with our creator and Heavenly Father ONLY comes through Jesus Christ. So if a happy relationship becomes more valuable than the need for spiritual salvation, then you’ve sadly missed the point of God’s life-giving grace that comes to us through true love and romance. You see, whether a couple finds Christ during dating (ideally) or during marriage, this was ALWAYS the goal in the heart of God and true love is merely a vehicle in accomplishing this among endearing couples.
So why is true love so challenging? It is because God’s love is a command, which suggests it is not innately within us. Therefore, God’s love is presented to us as a CHOICE! The best way to describe God’s love is that it is a “spiritual skill” and when it is courageously practiced, it will always produce the fruits of God’s spirit in its time. Therefore, when we know what to do and we don’t do it, we have made a definitive choice NOT to love and as a result, sin will abound.
I believe the scriptures about holiness and obtaining from fornication divinely provides us a pathway for avoiding the distractions and diabolical spiritual entanglements that are positioned to robbed us from the power to walk in this supernatural gift of love. In addition, holiness purifies our heart so we might fully recognize the grace, privilege, and blessing of God’s word that empowers us to walk in True Love as a gift from God.
Below you will see that I’ve taken the liberty to share with you my personal plan on how to honor God’s principles in a dating lifestyle as a godly woman. Love & Romance before marriage doesn’t have to be boring or a painful struggle. As God intended, it should be a fun and exciting adventure that is well defined, sacred, sincere and strategic as it flows and grows.
Love & Romance, prior to marriage, should evolve out of 3 stages: COURTSHIP, DATING, and EXCLUSIVITY. Ideally, the full length of a healthy dating relationship that ultimately leads to marriage should be appropriately 1-3 years (considering growing pains).
Note: If there is no clear view to marriage after dating someone for 3 years…it is certainly time to consider moving on. Below is my basic outline for enjoying godly Love & Romance.
PATHWAY TO GODLY DATING
Stage 1 – Courtship:
This is the stage where you first meet and it’s exciting, mysterious and fun because you’ve finally met someone where the feelings seem mutual. This stage is very superficial though. There’s no romance on this stage. It is pure friendship and focused on just getting to know each other. During this stage, intimacy is experienced through “conversation.” If you think you’re on to a good thing…then you will be able to talk for HOURS sometimes 2, 3, 4, 5 hours, in one sitting, and not even realize it! Conversation on this level can be compared to what you might imagine good sex to be like, “you just can’t get enough of it.” LOL. This level of engagement is all about learning each other. You will talk about values, beliefs, family life, relationships, life experiences, likes and dislikes, habits, quirks, convictions goals etc. There’s full transparency during this stage (at least you assume it is). There is also no affectionate language or interaction on this stage. You may not even go out for a couple of weeks and if you do, it is random such as for a cup of coffee, movie, shopping or a bite to eat, all purely platonic.
Now, communication is a key spiritual tool during courtship. It has the power to discern a number of things about what is blooming between the two of you and it is critical to pay attention to! This is when a trusted, mature godly friend or mentor will come in handy to sound off some of your concerns if needed. Communication is the cornerstone of ALL types of relationships and it has the ability to make or break even the best of them. HOW, WHEN and the WAY you communicate, in particular as issues arise, will certainly tell if your courtship will come to a screeching halt or continue flowing to the next level. Communication will reveal the areas of your heart and life that you both walk in agreement. You can be sure, if there’s going to be any obstructions during courtship, communication will reveal it! If there is going to be continual growth in this budding romance, then a healthy approach in how you communicate (which builds trust) will advance you to the next stage which is DATING. Because this stage has no exclusive commitments, courtship is an “open relationship” meaning, you can have many “friends!” It is only when either of you realizes there is a genuine romantic interest between the two of you that dating becomes an option. This is when the relationship dynamics become more sensitive because who wants to be one of several dates! Well, this is why holiness is so important.
Duration: This stage typically last 3-6 months, however, after about a month, you should start seeing significant things about each other that will surface and it will command your attention. If you decide to continue as friends, consider there has been no harm/no loss and hearts are still intact, safe and sound. This is the blessing of COURTSHIP.
Stage 2 – Dating:
This is the stage where you invest your heart and your life for a season of testing. It is probably the stage that most people fear and feel greatly challenged. This is the stage oftentimes that will make or break a relationship. This is a stage most people take for granted and disrespect healthy boundaries; allowing the “Author of Confusion” (Satan) to come in to kill, still and destroy what might have been something beautiful or to lead you into the comfort lifestyle of “Christian Carnality.” In any case, most believer’s will agree that they can sense these options were not God’s best for their lives (John 10:10, Gal. 5:17).
Ok, so this is the stage where you REALLY like each other and you let each other know it. You’re obviously growing closer and now you want to spend more time together. You might even travel together (separate quarters of course.) You are now affectionately engaging; exchanging sweet hugs and kisses (in moderation), holding hands, you might lounge on a sunny beach together, enjoy entertainment in public settings and group dating is highly encouraged but not necessary. In essence, you are doing things that most endearing couples do, except for sex! (not on any level). You are enjoying each other’s company, companionship and you might even take on a few adventures together that will show you how well you work together as a team. This is also the stage where you work through the real stuff in a relationship. You may disagree, argue and disappoint each other. You may have a crisis that will test your loyalty and devotion toward one another. In short, “the honeymoon” of the Courtship Stage is over and you’re now in the trenches of what it takes to really live out a relationship of love. This is the stage where you will know each other by your FRUIT! It will be all about what you DO, not what you say on this stage. Consistency will be the gauge to determine the heart of a man or woman so let time reveal what’s true. Dating is the season for serious investments, you won’t be able to fake it here! Breakups in this stage might be hard but it will be for obvious reasons for which you will thank God for.
During the Dating Stage, you can break off the relationship at any time without too much pain or regret for reasons of what I like to call the “3Ds,” DISTRUST, DISRESPECT, and DISLIKE. Hey, if after three months of dating and you still feel like you don’t know your mate or he/she can’t be trusted, they disrespect you with their words or actions without conviction or you find you really just want to be their friend, these are opportunities to shift your relationship back into the Courtship Stage and count it all JOY! This can also be the stage that both of you determine neither of you are perfect and realize you are better and happier together than you are apart, which will lead you to the next stage, EXCLUSIVITY.
Duration: Now, very often this stage may overlap the Courting Stage, therefore, the Dating Stage alone can last 6-12 months.
Stage 3 – Exclusivity:
Exclusivity means just what it says, your relationship is EXCLUSIVE to one another alone. The Dating Stage makes a distinction in this regard. During dating, you are exploring your feelings and compatibility both practically and spiritually to see if you will ever become exclusive. Indeed, that should be the goal. The Dating Stage is not for hanging out! Dating can be a dangerous stage if aimlessly prolonged because there is a level of romance that can easily take advantage of your emotions and trip you up if you’re not intentional about your objectives. In fact, if after 3-5 months of dating and you haven’t become exclusive then consider, you probably won’t, because it’s not that hard to know if you really care about someone and want to progress forward. So you can see, God’s standard for romance truly holds us ACCOUNTABLE, and it’s all in our best interest.
Aright! You are EXCLUSIVE! Well, this stage is all about the future! You have determined that you are serious about each other and there is no other person you want to occupy your time with. This is the stage where you may acknowledge your love for one another. It is clear, you are serious about each other and you are now contemplating “marriage” and there’s no secret about it. In fact, your general conversation will become more about how well you can build a future together and in some cases, you might be already adjusting your life and future plans in order to make it possible. This is probably the shortest stage because passions may be running high by now and because of the growing love that you share, you’re not going to drag out this stage any longer than necessary if you’re going to stay in the will of God, and I believe this is exactly how God designed it. Exclusivity should be a restful stage because all the “extra” nonsense you commonly experience during dating is laid to rest. You have decided, you are going to be LOVERS, COMPANIONS and a TEAM…to the Glory of God!
Duration: This stage often overlaps with the Dating Stage. Therefore, it should last about 4 to 6 additional months after a quality dating period before there’s an engagement.
In Conclusion:
Something I believe we must never forget is that God is the author of ALL things created. This means our universe, our world, our bodies, our relationships, marriage, family is all created by God. Even the standard in how we are to live, love and worship God and more specifically, the way we are to love one another, is a “divine design.” (John 13:34-35). The dynamics of love and romance is no exception. God has a standard. While it may not be written out in full detail, I believe we all can agree that there is enough in the word of God to work with that will enable the Spirit of God to illustrate the rest (as he did for me). Pursuing holiness is our sacred right and only the believer has the power of God available to them to live it out.
Certainly, if God created our sensual desires He had something good in mind that it was to accomplish. God did not intend for our passions to tempt us into sin but rather, to recognize that sin becomes realized when righteousness (right living) is misused by doing things outside of the will and order of God. We must continue to hold to the truth that there is a better way to live and it has been designed by God. Love & romance God’s way is embedded in holiness and it leaves nothing lacking in bringing salvation, joy and fulfillment to our lives. Best of all, God’s pathway to love and romance will graciously hold us accountable to His standard of love (in our best interest), enabling each of us to fully enjoy the journey in finding true love with beauty, dignity, safety, and joy.
The Holiness Dare
Share this article with other believers to determine if they too desire a godly approach to dating. As you come into agreement, commit to gathering once a month over coffee or lunch to discuss your dating values and to pray for each other and hold one another accountable when dating. As each of you become actively dating, commit to chat/connect weekly, be transparent and to work through and identify your dating challenges specific to this plan. Talk to the Holy Spirit daily about this and journal your experience.
HAPPY DATING!
Karen Gaithers-Life Discipleship 